December 31, 2011

Tonight for New Year's Eve we're going to Humble Pie followed by going to see Morning After at Southland Ballroom. Seems like an appropriate band to see or at least their name is appropriate for this day.

I wasn't real impressed with 2011. There were some real highlights but all in all I'm looking forward to a big improvement in 2012 starting tomorrow.


If 2011 had a face my boy Kim's face would be it.

Today's phrase is intestinal fortitude.

Today was our company picnic. Working for Poi, as stated before, can be a challenge on a personal level. Friday she said her new man would be at the company picnic so of course I said I sure wouldn't be there.
I mean who would?

One thing positive about this period, I have gotten much stronger internally. I have been knocked down so many times over the past few years and more so the past 7 months and I keep getting up. Yesterday I got to thinking that seeing POI's kids A&R would be more than worth the yuck of seeing POI and her man together. I wanted to take control and if I am as strong as I think I have become, than I could go today. I wanted to show A&R that they will always be a huge part of my head and heart. I could only do that by going to the picnic. I know they know but reinforcement is a good thing.

So I went and am so glad I did. One of POI's best friends was there as well, which was a real bonus. She's been a really good friend through this business. She's very loyal to POI and doesn't share everything but she has remained a wonderful friend. A&R's reception was tempered but nice. They didn't know I was going to be there. They also have loyalty for their mother. Those are two of the coolest best spirited kids ever. Ever! They're in my DNA. I love'em. POI has ended my communications with AorR but I did tell A that when I "like" his posts on FB I was saying hi. He said he knew.

So after an hour it was time to move. "A" and I had a few final laughs as he walked me to my car. I can go to bed knowing I did the right thing. I feel really good about going.

Well that didn't last long.

I decided to stay on Match for one more month...really. I did take about two weeks off. The problem with that was that excessive thinking returned. I even misinterpreted POI's friendly personable conversations recently as a sign of renewed interest. I was very wrong.

Match, if nothing else is an interesting diversion and a rather surreal ego boost. This morning I got a message from a 61 year old woman from Statesville, NC. That's like 150 mils away. Why?

Tomorrow is Spiritedgal6 from Chapel Hill. She is a research scientist for a pharmaceutical company. I'm looking forward to it. I have avoided women from Wake Forest where POI lives. I no longer shy away from Wake Forest and have been in touch with a couple of women there.

Match is way more time consuming than the past two times. I was crazy lucky. I'm going to try to be more open than I've been of late and get my head into this social exercise and finally move on.

Situational friends, friends and true friends

I've been interested in the dynamics of friendships for some time. There is no real purpose to categorizing friendships other than as a writing exercise.

I've been thinking about this hierarchy of friendship lately because I have spoken to a few friends recently that I haven't spoken to in some time. I couldn't say all these folks are true friends but they are good friends. I was interested in see what type of relationship would evolve from poi's cul-d-sac friends/neighbors. After poi broke up I told her that I didn't expect to hear from any of the cul-d-sac people because though they had been friends for 5 years they were going to be situational friends because they weren't going to call or invite me over for a cookout or to watch a game on tv. Poi disagreed. I have found in the past 2 weeks I haven't been forgotten by at least two of the Cul-d-sackers. I wondered if I was missed by people I had gotten to know over the years. The past 2 weeks I have found that I am missed and that they want to get together. Little things like being told that you're missed is a reaffirming thing to hear and elevates a person from a situational friend to a friend.

This is all bull shit gibberish. It's the kind of thinking that has no value but it's the kind of thinking that goes on in my head once in a while. I mean someone who is considered a true friend can fall off the map while a person that may be considered a situational friend could step up and surprise you. Poi was a true friend for a long time and now I'm not sure she fits any of the categories. She has broken up many times, a friend wouldn't do that but she had been there so many times during good times and tough times that she was true friend.

Ultimately you're a very fortunate soul if you have friends no matter what. If you're lucky enough to have a true friend or two than you have a real gift. Let them know once in a while how much you appreciate them. They know you do but it's really good to hear.

The person that deserves me, I don't deserve, yet.

If money could be made by just thinking, I'd be rich. I have wasted soooooo much time thinking about things I have no control over. I would certainly be an Olympic medalist in the Over Thinking event. Unfortunately contrary to what you may have heard there isn't money in thinking about things that have no basis in reality.
Sadly I don't have the ability to turn on and off my brain.

I've reached a decision, I'm going to take a break from Match. I can't give the masses what the crave :) in my current state. Currently if the "right" one came along I'm not sure I would recognize or act on it. I need to clear the toxins that have been floating in my spirit for way too long before I'm really ready to start again. It's the right decision for me and my future POI.

It's hot already.

90 degrees two days in a row. No one asked but I'm not ready for this heat/humidity thing.

Tomorrow is payday here in c6. Breathing has been fully restored. Professionally speaking things are pretty darn good right now. Tomorrow's check will reflect that. Also communication with poi professionally has been terrific lately, however celebrating this big accomplishment together, well I do get a check. Seems sort of empty if I may speak the truth.

Speaking of hot, last week I had three dates with three very fine women. This week I cut it back to one. Frankly unless I have a spreadsheet with profiles and emails sent, I don't remember who they are. Actually the problem is I need to step up my care level. I'm not sure what letter game I've brought to these dates but it hasn't been very high. My Match renewal in next week, I'm going to recalibrate and give it another go.

I was wondering...

...how many people from China come to the U.S. to adopt an American baby?

...if anyone I know has ever bought anything from Sky Mall?

...if homeless people know that standing all day in the sun holding up a sign that reads "will work for food" is harder than actually working? I guess holding a sign isn't a real transferable skill.

...what probiotics were good for?

...if every house made today in the U.S. has an open floor plan, granite counter tops in the kitchen, double sinks in the master bathroom, stainless appliances and that's great for entertaining? You could make a drinking game out of any real estate show on HGTV. Granite counter top, take a drink. Great for entertaining, take a drink. You'll be hammered by the end of a single episode.

...what the heck I'm doing inside when it's so beautiful outside? Artsplosure is today! I think I'll walk to it and soak up some sun.

Dating advice from Pud

Last night I met my old pal Pud at Humble Pie for a drink. Humble Pie has a great outside bar and 2 Hearted Ale is only $3.50. I haven't been out with just Pud and I in really long time.

Pud has been separated for nearly a year but didn't start dating until maybe 5 months ago. He felt with all of the wisdom he has gained in the last 5 months he need to share. Imagine listening to dating advice from George Costanza and you get the idea of pearls that would come forward.

The main thing is "Just be normal and don't be a dick" and you're in.
That's it. According to Pud women in their 40's-50's on Match are so use to men that lie and are basically dicks that if you're nice and "normal" you really stand out.

While he's sharing his knowledge of the needs and wants of women he's looking at every woman there and giving editorial comments about each.

Pud has been dating a few people. They must be thin and physically fit. Unfortunately one of the women he's dating needs to drop another 9 lbs or she risks get cut. When I asked him if he was acting contrary to his advice against acting like a dick, he said no, that he was working hard to stay in shape and expects his ladies to do the same. Asking again how that requirement wasn't dickish he didn't see it that way so it wasn't dickish.
I guess there's situational dickishness that's acceptable.

I was thankful for Pud taking the time to help me navigate the dating world but I think I've got it from here.

I'm glad I go out even though I got a $30 parking ticket. I just wanted a beer or two. I didn't order a ticket. I've been in such a good mood lately that the ticket is just a ticket. No big whoop.

Harvard Educated Educational Consultant from Chapel Hill

Two geographically undesirable women in a row. Both fine people. They were on opposite ends of the educational spectrum. One went to three different colleges and still graduated in 4 years. She had her first Masters by the age of 20. The other person had a hard time getting out of high school. Both wrote clever profiles but their locations are deal breakers. If there was real chemistry, location wouldn't carry as much weight. Both dates ended with the obligatory three pat hug. You can't fake chemistry or at least I can't.

On this Match trip I've asked the Dated Ones what their match experience has been like. Apparently a lot of men lie about their age and speak openly about their hankering for sex. Oh and a lot of men aren't as slim as they profess on their profile.

My membership is up for renewal the end of next week. I'm just not feeling this whole exercise. However other than the grocery store and running my exposure to women is very limited. I could take a break. I may do that.

Menapous and the First Date

Tonight was Ann from Clayton. Yes Clayton of Johnson County. I'll take Wake Forest over Clayton any time upon reflection. Johnson county is an odd place. It's a booming community with pharmaceutical companies and red necks. Ann at 52 is the oldest person I have ever gone out with... 518 was the agreed upon location. 518 wasn't as busy as it once was though it's always been one of my favorites. After the first round of drinks and before the tasty Calamari Ann started fanning herself with vim and vigor. She was getting hot flashes. Not that there was a buzz to kill but if there was it would be killed. She could focus on nothing else. This went on for maybe 10 minutes. I couldn't find anything in the Match.com Worst Case Scenario handbook on what to say or do.

This Match thing is a nice ego boost and if desired I could go out every night. One of the things I've noticed is that there are a lot of desperate people out there. I don't know these people and yet they're saying all sort of desperate sounding things. I sure wouldn't say the things that are being said.

64 months ago I went out on a perfect date. It's to date the best date I have ever been on. From the first to last second it was great. Fun, laughter a real connection and topped off with great sex. There was chemestry and fireworks! It was a date for the ages. I know that date was one that comes along once in a life time but Can another even come close? I need to let the past go and start a new memory a new best date ever. Frankly that's silly talk, your past will always influence your present. The trick is is to learn that the present may not have anything to do with the past. There's comfort in the past and it's what we retreat to when stressed. After a date like tonight I want to retreat to my past to my best date ever. The problem is is that that reality too is in the past so how can I move on if I base every date, every person on the best date ever?

My Black friend

I've known Vince for 26 years. I introduced he and his wife 26 years ago. Vince called this weekend out of the blue. We talked for nearly 2 hours. Kids, life, running, he now loves country music, jobs and old friends were some of the topics covered.

He asked how working with former POI was going. I said it has its ups and downs. I started working for her when we were a couple and I felt like we were real partners personally and professionally. I liked it! The dynamic has change dramatically since the break up and even further with the new guy in her life. Our partnership personally is gone and professionally strained at times. As I was told recently I work for her. No calls or emails to talk about anything other than the sphere of my job. I haven't let down my commitment to the company a single day through this. I have been as loyal as anyone could be. I believe in POI and the company and It's my professional goal to make this company as successful as I can. I do wish POI saw that and could even translate it to my loyalty to he personally, which has never wavered. The hardest part has been sitting in a meeting with POI and others and looking at POI knowing she's with someone else now. Yesterday seeing a face to a name helped a lot. The mystery is gone. I don't have to imagine what this super hero looks like. In fact he's... that doesn't matter. I told Vince that I do feel oddly emboldened by seeing a face to a name and that I can make this professional relationship work. It's a commitment I'm making for myself and for the company.

All that being said I told Vince that she is a drug and I am addicted. Even after 7 months of rehab I'm not cured. I love her today as much as I did 5 years ago. My love for her children never stopped. And I would go back in a second. But there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing at all and I don't have any expectations that she would ever come back. I told him in my reality or fantasy we'll be together again soon. The real reality is that it isn't her reality. Vince being the kind of guy that he is told me to call POI today to lay out my heart and if nothing happens nothing is lost. I told him I've done that many times. There's nothing left on my sleeve, there's nothing left in my heart that I haven't said and I frankly I can't take the rejection again. That he understood.

Alright that topic is over and hopefully will not be revisited again...unless there's a change but don't hold your breath.

facebook

When you request to "friend" someone and they don't respond but don't deny, their posts make it to your homepage once in a while. The requested friend doesn't necessarily know that their posts are being seen the the requester. I of course was friends with my former Person Of Interest but when we broke up I "unfriended" not wanting to see her posts. Then some time past and I sent her a "friend" request, which was never accepted or denied. That being said I didn't mind seeing the occasional post by POI. Today that all changed. She posted that she was now friends with her new boy. My heart sunk. I knew his first name and today his last.

I closed the page immediately. The end of this/that relationship has been like a slow drip. Little by little my family has gone away and now there's a full name to my replacement.

I opened facebook again. I needed to now put a face to the name of POI's new man. Now I know. My feelings have nothing to do with him. I'm sure he's a really great guy or she wouldn't be with him but honestly, not what I would have expected. Maybe a bit more closure came from this.

I searched and found how to cancel the friend request, which I did.

Runslikeagirl

Wednesday was Denise. Great profile, has run 4 marathons including one in NYC and great wit. Night started with Denise getting lost.Though she had my number she didn't call until I emailed her. She had given up finding my place. But was ready to try it again. We met at the Bridge Brew Pub. It was clear that she had used an older photo for her profile. Strike one. She does have a healthy sense of humor and is in great shape. Plus one. Conversation came around to what we do and she raged on my company and the concept. Not a good first date move. Strike two. After I regrouped the conversation went well. We then went to my house, I told her I had made cookies and she wanted to try one. So we retreated to c6. Cookies were tasty as per usual and she kisses really well. Plus two. On the way to her car I asked if her two kids lived with her, she said her husband has sole custody. WHAT! In America a husband got full custody of 2 children? I didn't ask how that happened. I didn't want to hear the answer. Because of the custody issue my sister's advice was to turn and run that this was too big a red flag to pursue. She's probably right. But she was a really good kisser....

It's my Mom's Birthday. She's checking in at 78 today.

I called my mom this morning to congratulate her for making it this far. I'm not sure she knew it was me. My mom is the original good one. It's a very exclusive club. If you have such character and honor you may be deemed "one of the good ones". It isn't easily given but it can be quickly taken away. This isn't an issue because the good ones have a strong soul and spirit. This bestowment can be earned by small adults as well. Only two small humans have had the honor.

Back to my mom. A few back in the day snaps to celebrate my mom's Birthday.

Easter Sunday

One of the down sides to being single at this moment in time, is today. I always loved Easter. Growing up it was new Easter clothes, egg hunts, Easter Baskets and Easter Dinner. The past few years I've loved watching kids look forward to the same things. The past few years I've loved watching kids Easter morning look for their baskets their mom hid the night before. Then digging through the baskets to discover the great things their mother gave such great thought to.

It's very difficult knowing someone else is living that memory today. It's very difficult knowing that someone else was chosen to live all the new memories. The biggest challenge in c6 is starting to create my own new memories and move some of those old memories out. That will be an on going project.

Today I have no plans. I did go to mass this morning. In my world of no expectations I haven't been disappointed today. That's not honest but it's the front I'm going with these days. There was talk of brunch but those plans fell through a few minutes ago. Going to church this morning was something I wanted or need to do and because I needed to at least feel the spirit of Easter if I wasn't going to share Easter with anyone today.

This is why I wake up every day

Learning something new everyday is alone worth getting out of bed. My brother was driving through Raleighwood today on his way to Jacksonville, NC to see his daughter and stopped for lunch. His lovah made the trip as well. I learned at lunch today that I use too many words when communicating with women. For example to me "yes, I'll be there, I have to..." means yes, I'll be there. According to Lovah,"yes,, I'll be there, I have to,,," does not mean that I'll be there it means a conformation needs to be re-established prior to the previously
re-established time. And what I should have said was simply "yes I'll be there". I can neither confirm or deny the validity of this advice but the way my mind works it will go through an exhaustive vetting.

Reason number 2 for getting up today, my horoscope "Have faith that the worst is behind you, because it is. The future is very bright". I put zero faith or belief in horoscopes unless they're as stellar as today's.

Who wouldn't google someone before they went out?

I'm not sure if I require therapy or if searching a person on Google is normal. It's kind of a passive way of stalking. Or maybe it's smart? Who knows?

With a name you can find their Facebook page, Linkedin profile, photos on Flickr, any road races they've run, Twitter page, professional or athletic organizations they may belong to, if they write a blog, phone number, home address and where they work. There isn't any real reason for this post just thinking out loud.

Date 1 | Bohemian59

In my profile I end by saying "having completed a marathon gets you into the bonus round". It's a hold over line from my last Match experience. Well Bohemian59 wrote saying she made it to the bonus round. She has run in several marathons and 1/2s. After a couple of emails back and forth it was time to get this dating party started. Aesthetically speaking my expectations were low but I decided to go ahead and ask her out.

I met Sherry at Vavace (her choice) for an adult beverage. On paper we have a lot in common. So we meet and my first impression was that my aesthetic expectations were met. She was nice and the conversation was easy. There wasn't any chemistry so there isn't a need to go out again. But I'm glad I went.
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I've received a few emails from women in Wake Forest. Right now I can't even pretend to be interested even though 2 were of exceptional quality. Maybe I can put in a rider in my profile saying if you live in Haritage please move along, there's nothing to see here.
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Next up is Vickievale7 who recently moved to Raleigh from NYC-of all places. She went to Duke and got an MBA from UNC. Stay tuned...

New situations create new realities...

After being with the love of my life for nearly 5 years a breakup caused my reality to change in a dramatic fashion. I lost a truly great family and the regrets will last a life time I'm afraid. Now 5 months later I face a new reality, dating again. Working alone, I don't get a lot of traffic here in c6 so the talent pool of single women is fairly shallow. Now for the third time I'm back on Match. It's hardly my choice but I need to start living again. I had great success the last time so here I am again, this time as a SWM 52 in search of...

I bought the one month plan for a test drive. This is day 3. I've received 4 emails and two winks or pokes or nudges. Here again a new reality has surfaced, the 4 kind women that emailed all look like my aunt, and not in a good way. They took the time to write and some of the things they said were very flattering. I should really send a response but what? Is a "it's not you it's me" form letter in bad taste? I'm sure I'll be on the receiving end of a few "what are you high?" kind of responses but we're not talking about how I'm received.

I certainly don't like having to be in the position to be on Match but the reality is I have to start living again and all the hoping, praying, wishing and nudging hasn't made any difference so here we are with my new reality. Let the living begin.